Sometimes I feel like I’m a good leader. I think I’ve always believed at least that I could be. The insecure statement comes from my conventional view of leading–taking charge to mobilize other people in our businesses, or as a dad or as a thought leader.
But my podcast guest Ryan Avery, gave me a new view of what it means to be a leader. Something more universal and applicable to my whole life.
He says the key to being a leader in any facet of your life is to go from being “A” to “THE.” I get to be THE podcaster. I am THE dad. THE machinery dealer. THE leader.
For him, leadership is influencing others by connecting with them, rather than merely persuading. THE puts you in the clear confident frame of mind that enables you to thrive in your goals and causes others to gravitate to you.
Main Points
A leader convinces. THE leader connects
No matter the culture, people don’t like to be convinced, but when someone connects with them, they gravitate toward that person naturally. Ryan says anyone can sell anything, anyone can motivate people. The difference is how you do it. When you lead through connection rather than persuasion, you feel good about what you’re putting out there and so does the person on the other side.
You’re already a leader
Ryan defines leadership simply as anyone who influences someone. So there’s no need to want to be a leader. You already are. Whether it’s mobilizing a team, raising a kid, or convincing someone to put a little more chicken on your burrito without charging you extra. You’re influencing people constantly. Leadership isn’t a destination you reach one day. You’re already in it. The only question is what and who you want to influence.
Step forward
Moving your body forward tells your biology it’s okay to approach. You speak a little louder, smile more, engage better with eye contact. Moving backward does the opposite. It signals retreat, confusion, and puts you in a position of less power. The concept is called embodied cognition. A few months ago, Ryan had me demonstrate it in front of a room at the PMPA conference. Same words, two different directions. I felt the difference instantly. In our interview when I recounted the story, even just imagining myself moving backward and then forward changed how I felt.
Stop saying “just” and “I think”
These words shrink what you’re about to say before you’ve even said it. They signal uncertainty before you’ve given anyone a reason to doubt you. Cut them and notice how different you sound and feel.
Turn questions into statements
“How am I going to grow this business?” becomes “I’m growing this business.” Statements direct you toward action. Questions keep you in your head. Most of the time you don’t need to think more. You need to do more.
Change your inner dialogue
Ryan studies psycholinguistics, how the words we use shape the thoughts we have and determine the actions we take. The shift from A to THE starts inside your head. It’s not about being perfect or being the best. He points out that Gandhi wasn’t perfect. But Gandhi was THE leader for millions of people. Your THE doesn’t require perfection. It just requires showing up as the fullest version of yourself in whatever it is you do.
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